on the things that don't get published
Sometimes I struggle with consistently writing on this blog because I ebb and flow between wanting to be open and honest about what's going on in my life and wanting my personal life to remain such - deeply personal.
The truth is, I work very hard. Day in and day out, I try and give 100% to whatever task I'm doing. I pour my soul into my job. And, when you make your work deeply personal, your personal life tends to take a little bit of a back seat - it becomes to feel like it may be almost too much work to pour that much more into the personal: the resting, the exercising, the curating of your passions.
I'm not saying that work is bad or that my job is bad, because neither of those things are true. I'm saying that finding that balance: knowing when to say "work is work, and not all of it touches my soul" and to say "this other place, away from all that, is where I find my joy and peace."
I had a conversation with my sister the other day about my inability to determine where this line was. She brought up how I keep catching yucky colds, and how sometimes I'm just plain mean on my days off or evenings at the gym. It was one of those moments where you get to stare at yourself clearly in a mirror and you're not at all happy with what you see.
It made me scratch my head a bit and has really made me question how I spend my time. I've talked about it a little before, but I still struggle with the whole "self care" movement that's happening now. A lot of it feels selfish and poorly motivated. Maybe I'm wrong in my feeling, but that's how I feel, and I have to start with being honest with my feelings. In the same vein, I'm wondering if I need to understand that better. I'm wondering if my "self care" needs to look maybe a bit different than what people say it ought to look like, but it still needs to exist.
I also think that I need not be so hard on myself. There's this constant desire I have to do better. Sometimes, there's insanity in that. What if you don't have the tools to do better? Or the time? What if you can only do?
Anyway, like most of my blog posts, this isn't really going anywhere. It's more a rambling of a tiny piece of my inner soul that's still scratching her head and trying to figure out where all of these lines and boundaries exist and where she exists within them. Maybe you've been here yourself and you could provide some insight. Maybe I need to spend a week in the woods and just zen out (actually this is not what I should do, I know this would make me feel crazy). Maybe you're in the same boat. Welcome aboard! There's room here. Let's figure it out and row to our destination together.