on patience

August 23, 2018

 

I have decided patience is my least favorite virtue.

 

Self-control can be a bit challenging, but sure, bring it on. Humility? No problem, I’m a danger to myself on that one. Gentleness? A work in progress.

 

But patience? Do I have to?

 

So often I find myself wedged between the almost and not yet, clambering, clawing, reaching, trying, so desperately, to get out.

 

I don’t want to be here! Let me out! I scream, for no better reason than the one stated: I just don’t want to be there.

 

I don’t want to have dreams that are still out of reach. I don’t want to have goals that take time, resources, and the right people to achieve. I can see the daylight, but I can’t touch it, and that’s an uncomfortable place to be.

 

Sadly though, I’m learning the struggle is futile. That, in the waiting, I’m not really waiting at all, but learning. But, because I was so fixated on what I wanted, I forgot to realize that life is always happening. The valley that lies in between goals is a beautiful place where flowers can grow, water can be gathered, I can take my time and observe, learn from other people and the space around me.

But, I want to have control. I want to look at that mountain and say “move.”

 

Tragically, patience shows that I am not in control and never have been. Every day, week, month, and  year I’m told to wait, I realize more and more just how tiny I am. I’m reminded that all my struggling, all my working, though it’s not necessarily bad, hasn’t necessarily been good. It’s not getting me anything but more anger; more frustration, dragging me away from those other virtues I value.

 

This is probably a disappointing ending to a dramatic writing, but I can only tell you I’m working on this. I’m working on making myself comfortable in the in-between. I’ve got some snacks, I brought a book to read. I’ll be fine.

 

The waiting will be good. It will be worth it. And, one day, we’ll all look back on this post and laugh.

 

I’m counting on it.

 

 

 

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i'm sydney.

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