one year

July 15, 2018

It blows my mind how much can change in a year.

 

A year ago today, I was scared I'd lose my ability to walk. My body in many ways was rebelling against me and my lower back, after years of athletic injuries and abuse, was giving up. As I was coping with that struggle; the pain, the treatment, the recovery & healing, I wrote this post, and was nervous how people would respond all the way until I hit publish. 

 

A little over a year ago, I landed a dream of a job I was never looking for. 

 

A year ago, I learned to fly fish. I bought and paid for a car myself. I tried my hand at flower arranging and photography (a work in progress, that one is). 

 

A year ago, I would have been so scared to post a picture of myself online because, despite not caring what people think about me or my appearance, I didn't want to give them a platform to tell me what they thought

 

I still chide myself for the silly things I thought a year ago. I look back at myself and think, "oh lord, what she didn't know!" I also laugh at myself because I easily forget what life looked like a year ago.

 

Remember how you could barely walk? Remember how stressed you were about your loan payments? Remember how your car broke down in glorious fashion and you cried in the parking lot about it? Remember that boy you had a crush on??? LOL. 

 

I'm insanely grateful for the fun this life has brought me, as well as the twists and turns, because if my back hadn't given out, I wouldn't have found the new friendship of my chiropractor; I wouldn't have been able to slow down and think of the good things in my life and watch them closely. If I hadn't published that photo of just me on the blog I might still be sitting here in the corner asking, "but what if they say I'm ______??" 

 

Truth be told, I'd rather be the most honest, authentic person I can be and suffer the said consequences than look back at this year and think, "dang, if only last year was different. If only I was different."

 

I still have big dreams and goals for this space. I still have projects in the works that have stayed that way for... well, I'm a little embarrassed to admit how long. BUT, this year will be different. Because I'm going to keep pushing, keep changing, keep learning and keep growing. 

 

And thank goodness for that, because a year ago I wasn't parting my hair in the middle like an idiot. Thank god things change. 

 

swimwear from Kortni Jeane

 

 

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i'm sydney.

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This is my blog; a space for essays and stories that matter and ones that might not.

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